today I praise you, I am humbled by you
in your unconscious way, you saw
what must be done
that the two of us, that husbandwife team
could no longer sustain
our own journey
to become
whole and complete
you saw in that unconscious way
two spirits who had outlived
each other
our karma was gone
(did I hurt you this bad last time?)
our need to dream
together
became less important
than our need to wake up
in this way, I can see you
I could paint this picture
it is my life
that dark purple in between the trees
that colour didn’t exist
until I saw me
in a rage so heavy I couldn’t lift
the light in front of my eyes
it is my life
that dark purple bleeds
between my knees, it claims all space
and light
there is no light
I rest here in what has become
my dark and shitty compost
my new life
I am the city of eden
I built it all
to be a most fantastical
space, I believed it
was bigger than me
more robust, more substantial
than my existence, it was
an idea that carried
my inner sanctum
I gave it all the gravity
it needed to exist
I gave it everything
and when the tree dropped
it’s apple; my city of eden
the whole universe disappeared
I am walking
city gale
my eyes sting
red, my lungs
are screaming
a pack of dogs
strangers can’t see
the wind whipping
through me
killing the animal
that learnt how to love
and live in these streets
I know death will meet us
in various guises
like cancer
or lies
or betrayal
What contract did your soul sign
that wanted to hurt me so much?
what love did I need
that could penetrate so deep?
I stuff a scarf into my mouth
and a pillow into my face
I don’t want to alarm the neighbours
everything is wet by the end
I can not lay this pain
aside
I heave and I heave
for one breath of peace
I am on the floor
beside the toilet
the full length mirror in front
and when I look at her
I am the stranger
to all that is before me
hate is a piercing word
and even though I love
you, I had to scream it
I had to – like a wave has to
disembody itself on a rock
I HATE YOU
the last time I screamed those words
was into the face of my mother
I was fifteen and
she got more churned up
than the frothing white sea
that receives me now
I ran to the edge, boulders
marking safe from peril
I slipped down the face
momentum dropping me
near the white cracks of sea
white is a colour
that looms from darkness
those fingers reach out
clawing
those hands could grab my feet
taking me
taking everything from me
I am the scream
that cannot echo
amongst the waves, sound
drowns
each wave strikes me
I feel the pull of death
