there’s no centre from here
a rope tightens
and my throat burns
bile in my breath
old ideas, the fumes of past relationships
I inhale the
addiction
hooded insanity carved into words
and strung round my neck
I am identifying with pain
Tag Archives: pain
off centre (17 Nov 2010)
14 Febseeing my pain (20 March 2010)
29 Junwheel turning, thoughts circling
I am the intention of this body
the definition outside the dark and vast
water, turning a continent into its own
waterfall, turning a vast eye
towards me in destiny
dissolve me, merge me
these boundaries cut into my skin
disconnection is uncomfortable
speaking truth (31 Dec 2007)
28 Febthis pain is the pain of Separation
the question that expands all
that asks us to enquire
who is watching you
feel all this
so quickly empties my mind
my mind does not ask
I put it to my heart
and it reaches out
and finds nothing
it returns home from
an empty land
and finds no peace
as I speak it, I feel only
agitation at how much
is untouched by words
nothing I say comes close
to Truth
Solar plexus chakra (11 Feb 2010)
15 FebWhen I stepped on the plane at Gatwick
To return to the Brazilian resting place
Of my heart (oh what a leap of faith that was)
I think a subtle shattering occurred
I wish I’d had some way of knowing
That it was me who had changed too much
To follow him, even out of love
A fire rebelled and the magnetism lent
Inwards, back to my deepest home
Where, no matter how far I wonder
I always and must return to her
(Aotearoa)
It is a confusing time
Of honouring myself
And clearly so in love
With a dream in distant shores
And then in the most shattering one liner
(I have found someone else)
All of the cosmos now becomes
My navigatable territory
Home is not big enough
My life is not big enough
God is not big enough
And all of this hurts in a way that asks me
To be as vast as my pain
back (14 Nov 2009)
25 JanI thought I was going today
I was stepping through the door
to find my way out
and yesterday I cried
when I said goodbye
I don’t think I’m ready
but I’m leaving
there are adventures to
show off
I was stepping out the door
and something collapsed
around my heart
supporting my breath
I am stabbed in the back
I’m demobilised, lying flat
unsure of my new mechanics
how do I move without
any of my known functions
it’s safer
just to surrender to my bed
I’m needing here, severed memories
bind me to this place, the decision
was made for me –
I’m not leaving yet
I’m back, flat on my back and wondering what’s next?
the deepest you’ve ever been (1 Nov 2009)
24 Janyou think you forgive
you think it ten thousand times
and say it aloud, a ritual
of meaning
you think it complete and
true in your heart – I forgive
you – it’s sincere, punctured
into so many prayers. You think
you forgive.
Only, you know how every real
estrangement feels
in every second of every prayer
how a lid contains the real pain
that God is separate from me
that Love is divided from me
this is the deepest you’ve ever been
because somewhere
in one of those prayers
you find yourself
defenceless
vulnerability that needn’t
surrender because
there’s nothing left
to give or loose
you find yourself
sad and worthless
and shrivelling
in wonder at how much
you deny
God and love
and light and grace
and in that prayer
you find forgiveness is
a by-product, an accident
that happens in love
an accident destined
before you ever knew to ask
fierce grace (23 May 2009)
20 Decit is a ferocious story
one that I can’t even begin
to offer the scale of empathy
it warrants
the acute contraction
of life and lives
as the story surfaces
and all the fears that ties
themselves to a mother
to a son, to a sister
to a daughter (sweet child)
and expresses again
in fierce mother-love fears
in such a natural response
and yet, in a small way,
I see the grace
the unbundling of pain
and the pain unbundling
that son brings mother
(daughter and sister)
God! What a purpose
What a divine love to go through
this together
How my heart peals to the core
of nothing left
when I think of your
karmic play
the karmic run-off
and the karmic love
holding you all together
beyond this life’s imagination
I am touched
take a look (28 April 2009)
18 Decpain lives around
lies and unquestioned
truth, take a look
when you know
‘that’s not it’ and
know nothing else
take a look, for
all it is, is a shape
needing to be held
draw no guilt, take
nothing from the wound
simply hold
this sad feeling
this need to express
let tears be tears
a small conflict (03 Oct 2008)
17 Sepyour place of pain
my place of passion
travel
you can’t get more poetic
than that
my rash (10 Nov 2007)
20 AugI am naked to the burning sun
I am sun bathing on prickles
I am the bush fire
scarred and parched and swept
to every distant limb
and the fire-fighters are scratching
their heads, wondering where to begin
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