I’m exhausted
from my creations
of worthlessness
summer solstice (21 Dec 2010)
14 Febshe’s reaching for her shadow
pulling it as a veil slowly
slowly covering her shine
the veil touches her womb
and stained red
it bleeds darkness into the night
I come to see her awaken
to reflect her light
to see her silver sickle grow
and the shadow of blood wane
I see her in the water
broken cascades of silver
as each wave holds her up
as each wave rolls in
I open and she opens
a sickle turning to a basin
the basin overflowing
into the roundness of a fertile belly
the red shadow has gone
the goddess arrives
it is her time
the pink quartz crystal
softening the surrender into
our own shadow
author (26 June 2010)
10 JulI called it a dismantling
and there’s an angel up there
who knows the art
of a good drama and
she calls it a deconstruction
of character
(or she would if she didn’t
care). You call it a
collapse and it is perfect
like beliefs are such fragile
matchsticks and flames are
hungry for space, licking
their lips as identities disappear
specifically yours
and it’s not a safe place to be
when you want control
or even a sense of it
I hope you fall gracefully
because big trees can be very stubborn
under new winds
taxi (11 Dec 2007)
26 Febmy first taxi ride in India
a sleek Cuban style vintage
upbeat experimental
bollywood sounds; loud
alas – no kitch demi gods
protection from the dash
(thou Gannesh is stuck to the windscreen)
it’s night time, I want to see
what I am doing. I am being driven
in the middle of the road
with the lights off – is this a game?
and then appears
a full beam stand-off
an on-coming headlight
starts the dance
flick dip flick dip
I am material, not ethereal
please don’t confuse the two
only one Holy Jesus passes
my lips – I’ve decided
blaspheming is redundant
in a country of gods
on every dashboard (except mine)
it is simply me calling to my childhood
God, albeit, in a state of alarm
I think I have the horn section
figured out now
a toot does not forewarn
warning or demands
for right of passage, not really
it is an ‘as-you-were’
it’s all pretty much
asymmetrical chaos
playing in the gaps of
transient light and sound
I decide from here on in
I have no cares
I let go of my foot on the floor
stamping into that imaginary break
there are too many details
that make up India
for me to be in control
this trip is starting out in deep surrender
deep (14 Jan 2010)
26 JanI am profoundly affected
only you don’t know
you didn’t know
something deep inside
detangles itself – collapses
because
you are toning, low earth notes
you are gifting Earth Mother’s
vibration into my heart
I feel so … Held
held in touch
held in safe surrender
to the space existing between
our bellies
and own hearts’ opening
you are toning and I am in
deep surrender, thank you
for holding the space open
only … you don’t know
nothing has sounded from
my lips, nothing is happening
in front of you, and you pull
away, feeling unmet, feeling
I am holding on or holding back
an impatient stirring pulls you
and in that movement
I am birthed and abandoned
I am shockingly naked
disorientated by aloneness
something went wrong
I am separate
I am cold and burnt
I am wombless
all agony surfaces
and I cry, loud and
belly felt
I am a sight which you hold
You circle me again
The way Earth Mother always is
and I am rebirthed
my feline angel (15 Nov 2009)
26 Jana cat’s whisker passes me by
a second before I knew I needed
her; I spasm, inch myself to bed
my feline angel accompanies me
and composes herself on my covers
to stay the duration
she is next door neighbour’s
she is visiting
my hospital bed, all day if need
and need says yes
I, on my back, lie with her
she purrs and sleeps
with my pain
she tells me it’s alright
to lie in bed all day
at night she goes home
wishing me comfort
and she’s back the next day
early, climbs straight onto
my bed, I still have need of her.
I can pat her now, and
every time I pass my hand
over her full and nourished belly
I can feel the caverns of contentment
so completely sated in lying
in bed, in being adored
and knowing she’ll always, always
always she’ll be fed on time
this is my healing
I am touching cat consciousness
make room to be present (31 Aug 2009)
9 Janmake room to see
see that red exists in greens
trees can be a naked purple
grass can be so far apart even
in a carpet lawn
see the warmth rise and set
the dancing tea-light expand
larger than its wick
see the moon turn
into a decoration
or a pond stand still
see what flowers look like asleep
(like kittens waiting for milk)
see birds make crazy angles
and braches bop to their song of support
and in amongst all the perfect
placements, there exists so much
space, moving as fast as I walk and
as slow as a breathing mind
make room to hear
hear the throbbing digestive belly
traffic, a constant toning of arteries
and asphalt. The enormous song
of trees, pausing and disappearing
into the white noise, here comes
a whispering blue, an enthusiastic
yellow. Orchestrating, conducting
from root to branch
the dance in a birds throat
pealing now into now
and in amongst all the perfect
notes there exists so much space, falling and held
in the vast orchestra of in-between
gaps, tuning fork trees, all is
here to exist in this sound
so sound can exist
make room to smell
a peculiar breath, entirely conscious
smell the wood, alive and dead
smell death, rich and sweet in the
foliage, in the foliage smell life
bringing attention to itself
smell the heat, smell last night’s
sleep, smell our feet next to the chickens
and the chicken’s next meal
And when sitting, a soft
delicate fragile memory of fragrance
wafts under my nostril
into my spine, onto my lips, into
my spine, onto my lips
and in amongst all the perfect
and stray memories and threads
comes the slow light fragrance of attention
and breath
make room to taste
taste the empty bowl when it was full
while it is full. Linger on the crunch
and texture; how it melts – knowing
this in itself is delicious. How it bites
back or holds an hour long flavour in
one single bite. Let the tongue swim
in desire for just this second because
this sense, like none other, is willing
to take its turn, slowly salivate
desire bringing a perfect readiness
nature is doing her job, nature is
swallowing, digesting, absorbing
and letting go exactly and precisely
balancing a complex organism so simply
so simply
and in amongst all the perfect
choreography of tongue and thanksgiving
I remember; I am blessed. I am
loved more than I will ever know.
I am Gratitude. Abundance. And the
pain-staking obliteration of everything
else focused on the end of my fork
make room to feel
feel the pinpoint attention
mine melting, yours piercing
feel the still pond, feel the bolder
drop when I lift the lid
feel the slideshow reverberate on
thin skin, feel the depthless
struggle for survival, the nature
of all things running its course, the
disgrace and dignity dying like an
extinction of something honoured
feel the helplessness, go as deep as
space itself, take the drop to the ocean
and cry for humanity, for degradation
that takes a being so far from
home and so desperately hungry and thirsty
feel where you are not allowed
to go, where the most beneficent and
sustaining law for the soul
is the very lid that denies and excludes
the heart of reality. Feel the dissection
the eroding and crumbling of the sun
the Life Giving. The source of sound
and sight
and smell
and taste,
feel all this shine sombrely, shine blazingly on
your skin!
and in amongst all the perfect
emotions, rough, raw and jarring
or polished as a weathered greenstone
feel the shakti rise and dance in one
cell, animate this cell, give life to this cell
sacrifice and make sacred all else
to this harbinger of truth, found in silence
- or song – in this perfect instinct
break my heart (March 2008)
5 Sepbreak my heart
not in half
but wide open
may the space unfold
may grace fly
in and find me willing

