if I hold an idea of you
that is not becoming
then the kindest thing
is to hold no idea of you
dust kicked up
is that where you look?
or do you see, despite the grit
in your eyes, the amorphous
being that makes you cry
you know a glimpse
is all that’s needed of shame
it’s a drowning character
of led weights
if you’re willing
to name it and let it claw
at you for the second
it takes to find its name
and let too your ego scream
seriously let it wail
(just don’t defend)
then, and only then
the quality of shame dissolves
because it can only exist
without a name
or any other close inspection
it just can not hold itself
without your consent
(which is always coveted
and assumed)
so feel it pull away and
let it pull away
(for a moment you will feel
powerlessness)
damn yourself with tears
in the process and
burst through like you are
following that concocted story
to its own end. Shame is a peculiar
death, because it never in fact
lived.
I haven’t decided on my gait
it’s true you can recognise me from afar
because my hips are tight
and so many years ago I buckled
my ankle too many times to count
and I think that shortened
the calf muscle in my left leg
which of course affects how open I can be
or how much anger I can carry
I haven’t decided on my gait
yet I’m sure it’s true too
when you see me walking into the sun
the silhouette of which tilting
at the neck to one side
like the devil is on my shoulder
and I’m not quite at peace with that
as I flick my head, listening to the kink
and all you see is a quirk
I haven’t decided on my gait
and largely this implies
I’m still under construction
as I walk heal toe, heal toe
in a mindful way on queue
eyes averted and semi truncated
on purpose
so as not to get in my own way
I am not ever a known
(that’s a whole lot of exploring
and exposing to agitate) and
while some visibility might suit me
it really is a distraction
to seek to be known
I am not even a known
my ideas are not clever
my words not particularly
special, though a sentiment
climbs out the basement
and someone somewhere claims;
hey, that’s my shadow!
I am not ever a known
even when a seed of me
can be harvested in your life
like a random affirmation
of good timing
even then when you think you
know me, it is only because it is you
you see
I am not even a known
my quality and form are shaped
like yours, two eyes, a nose
a mouth, words of an English
sound between two lips like any
and it is only because a blue print
‘worked like magic’ that an alien
can appear not so dissimilar
I am not ever a known
and you would injure me
if you said you knew me
inside out
because then I would have to substitute
that into my being
wearing an idea that I thought sounded pleasing
When I stepped on the plane at Gatwick
To return to the Brazilian resting place
Of my heart (oh what a leap of faith that was)
I think a subtle shattering occurred
I wish I’d had some way of knowing
That it was me who had changed too much
To follow him, even out of love
A fire rebelled and the magnetism lent
Inwards, back to my deepest home
Where, no matter how far I wonder
I always and must return to her
(Aotearoa)
It is a confusing time
Of honouring myself
And clearly so in love
With a dream in distant shores
And then in the most shattering one liner
(I have found someone else)
All of the cosmos now becomes
My navigatable territory
Home is not big enough
My life is not big enough
God is not big enough
And all of this hurts in a way that asks me
To be as vast as my pain
I am in motion, sacral chakra
Charting territory of the
Emotional landscape which
I find as large as a continent
As isolating as Easter Island
And as pounding as the great
Falls of Iguzu
(The Devil’s Gate is off limits
Due to too much rain)
A great change comes to me
In the shape of
Tears and Honesty
I am drowning in my own
Lies and fantasies
And ideas of acceptability
A huge betrayal is approaching
Unguarded, I touch Truth
And it issues me
An ultimatum: Set your life right!
Meet Love. Follow Love. Follow your heart
I am ready to choose my way
In the consequence of this action
I love. I desire. I burn. I hate
I hurt. I unglue my self. I seek
Something that is more than I am
And never have I felt so lost
I start this journey at the Base
Earth, Grounding
Set in motion on the Camino de Santiago
Set a light by a life
That knows me as
Someone other than I am
I have a choice
Yet I give the decision away
Because I can’t find a reason
Watch me as I claw to Stability
At every cross roads
Where something more is being asked of me
Yet, stability is what I clutch to
I reason it as loyalty, honour, integrity
(like my mother taught)
I feel it as disquiet and a yearning that injures
All I know
If I am to survive; truly survive
Then I need to touch the one thing
That brings me alive
Travel
So here are the letters to my soul
When I cried to her as an unknown being
Of such gravity and grace
Knowing only that there was something
More to life and me
Than the impending marriage into society
I am profoundly affected
only you don’t know
you didn’t know
something deep inside
detangles itself – collapses
because
you are toning, low earth notes
you are gifting Earth Mother’s
vibration into my heart
I feel so … Held
held in touch
held in safe surrender
to the space existing between
our bellies
and own hearts’ opening
you are toning and I am in
deep surrender, thank you
for holding the space open
only … you don’t know
nothing has sounded from
my lips, nothing is happening
in front of you, and you pull
away, feeling unmet, feeling
I am holding on or holding back
an impatient stirring pulls you
and in that movement
I am birthed and abandoned
I am shockingly naked
disorientated by aloneness
something went wrong
I am separate
I am cold and burnt
I am wombless
all agony surfaces
and I cry, loud and
belly felt
I am a sight which you hold
You circle me again
The way Earth Mother always is
and I am rebirthed
I thought I was going today
I was stepping through the door
to find my way out
and yesterday I cried
when I said goodbye
I don’t think I’m ready
but I’m leaving
there are adventures to
show off
I was stepping out the door
and something collapsed
around my heart
supporting my breath
I am stabbed in the back
I’m demobilised, lying flat
unsure of my new mechanics
how do I move without
any of my known functions
it’s safer
just to surrender to my bed
I’m needing here, severed memories
bind me to this place, the decision
was made for me –
I’m not leaving yet
I’m back, flat on my back and wondering what’s next?
